So I went on an ayahuasca journey.... if you don’t know what it is google it... okay so no..I really didn’t... but I was listening to this podcast this morning and I literally was driving and had this “ah ha” moment. I felt like what Manifestation Babe was saying about her experience she had from her ceremony’s was the same as the experience I’ve been having lately....
So if you know me personally you might know the roller coaster I’ve been on the last few years. I feel like the death of my grandpa was my awakening moment when I stopped living my life for everyone else. I needed to heal myself because I literally didn’t even have the energy for myself. Most days I don’t know how I got through them. And some days... I literally didn’t know how I was going to go on anymore. I literally couldn’t live this way anymore. I was so unhappy. So stressed. I developed a beautiful habit of extreme anxiety, so sarcasm! Basically I hit my rock bottom. Looking back I wish it happened sooner and I wish I didn’t have to have my heart broken and lose my Grandpa. That was my wake up call...it was because of this tragic experience.... I stopped disappointing myself!
Slowly I tried to figure out how to help myself. I slowly started cutting people out of my life that didn’t serve me. I finally stood up for myself and used my voice I hid for years. I cried.... I cried a lot. I drove... I literally would drive 2 1/2 hours to Bristol just to go the cemetery to see my Uncle by the tree, drive past my Aunt Marys house on the corner l, the 45 Diner, the school where you spent sooo much time, and then right back home! Without a blink. Then I did the big thing, or what I thought was so life altering. I QUIT MY JOB! I quit the biggest issue in my life!! Hence part of the name of this blog.
I literally lived for work. Timeshare brain washed me and stole my soul for almost eight years. I missed out on so many opportunities because I gave that such a high power in my life. I didn’t go out with friends because I had to be to work tomorrow. I wouldn’t go on vacation because I was scared of not being able to go into work if they called me in or I would miss something. I literally walked around on egg shells because I was scared what would happen next. I hated one of my bosses so bad because he was such a cancer and no one would listen to help solve the problem he was creating. (I told you so!!) I gave Christmas Mountain my everything. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all terrible. There was positive things. I met a lot of great people, had some unique experiences because of the income it provided, I learned how to make a friend and how to sell not tell. It wasn’t all bad... but by me allowing my job to have so much power over me it caused me to lose myself.
When I first quit I was not sure what was gonna happen in my life. Did I ruin it? Wait no, I chose this. I’m doing me. Holy f&ck what am I gonna do now I don’t know anything other than timeshare... then I realized I quit before for a year...so why is it so scary this time? life goes on! And that it did. I didn’t realize that was going to be my first healing moment.. some how this triggered me to start hiking at devils lake. I challenged myself to do something i enjoyed in the past that I never did anymore. It ended up being my saving grace. I literally walked and walked and walked and walked. Every day all morning, 3 miles, 5, 7, 11!!! Whatever I felt that day. With every step I took I felt like my brain was playing pin ball. Tossing all of my jumbled thoughts around in there trying to sort them out. Then spit them out to me so I’m aware and then I walk it out and get rid of it. I started to release my limiting beliefs, learned lessons from my pain. Anything that doesn’t serve me or isn’t aligned with me, let it go!!
I watched an episode of the affair and they talked about Cole going on a walkabout (according to Wik. Walkabout is a rite of passage in Australian Aboriginal society, during which males undergo a journey during adolescence, typically ages 10 to 16, and live in the wilderness for a period as long as six months to make the spiritual and traditional transition into manhood. The term has been superseded with "temporary mobility" because its original name has sometimes been used as a derogatory term in Australian culture, demeaning its spiritual significance) and that really spoke to me one day when I was thinking about how much healing I did at devils lake. How freeing it was. How much I enjoyed it and how it filled my soul. That it is one of my happy places.
I feel like quarantine has brought back some past experiences. I’m feeling like I’ve been challenged to rehash things over again but differently this time. I feel like it was my reminder that you have to make clearing your mind, healing yourself.. basically self care needs to be a daily ritual or a habit. You need to continue to work on yourself or old patterns will come back in your life. Healing isn’t a quick fix. There’s no specific time frame. Everything happens in it’s perfect time. At the right moment when it is suppose to. I know my awakening moment was suppose to be now. 2018. Whenever. When it happened it happened. It’s my journey, my story.
Back to the roots. Back to the last time I was me!!
This too shall pass!
check out Manifestation Babes Podcast Episode 151.
xoxoxo
-Rachel
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