You never really realize how important it is to take care of yourself until your rock bottom broken.
Lately it’s been hard to find inspiration for my blog normally something will flow to me throughout the day (which I need to start writing down) but nothing has. I’ve doubted myself thinking maybe this wasn’t right now me I shouldn’t have done it, maybe I should delete it, whose even seen it?? Even though I feel like I’ve done nothing... I feel like I’ve had so much to do. You can only clean the house so much, play skipbo so many times, take a bath, reorganize closet, walk etc.... eventually it gets old. I was going through my notes in my phone in hopes I had forgotten about something I could post and pass it off as new... but little did I know I was gonna get a reality check on how far my personal journey has come since September. That’s when the idea of starting a blog really came to me. I was so lost so broken and all I wanted was to heal. I eventually came to the conclusion it’s okay to feel however I want to feel and to let myself know there is no such thing as normal so feel what I need to, heal how I have to, and write my own story. Also it’s important to know I’m not the only one out there who feels the same way I feel!
Insert from my journaling in September 2019.
Today I realized I needed to speak out.. and it was time... and this is what came to me...
Someone out there needs to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! As I stood crying in the shower feeling like there was no end I realized I am not the only one who gets crippled by this! I am not the only one who needs someone to know that others feel the same way! No it’s not normal but guess what YOU ARENT THE ONLY ONE!! We aren’t the only ones!! Im not sure why I hold mine in... the only consensus is that I feel like no one understands or no one gets it or you get the typical response calm down, relax, you’ll be fine! If your ever on the receiving end of those words when your going through something... well to me it’s the worst feeling in the world... I go right back to square one where I started and wanna cry all over again!!
I currently am on a trip back home after my recent move and let me tell you it’s been an emotional roller coaster!! I’ve smiled, I’ve laughed and I’m currently crying! I love my family I truly do, but sometimes I wonder where the hell I came from and I’m sure they do too! I’ve gotten lost in the moments of my sisters baby shower, Charming and delightful Uncle Larry’s funeral/memorial/celebration of life, seeing my long lost friend Lydj who I haven’t seen in two years, having a drink for my dear friend Vaida’s birthday, celebrated my dad and sisters September birthdays... I’ve kinda done it all this weekend but sadly here I sit on Sunday night with swollen eyes and Niagara Falls of tears running down my face!
Life is good and I am blessed but I’m battling a battle that isn’t done with me yet! I currently have no idea what I am going to do career wise, I am trying to mentally put myself back together, and I feel I need to find my purpose in life or figure out what the definition of life is!!
I’m not sure if I’m fighting a little depression, anxiety, or if I’m completely fine and I just am making this all up and this is a small phase, but I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, or who thinks this way, or who wonders what’s next!
Fast forward back to reality quarantine 2020 😂
After having a long talk with an old friend.... long meaning six hours long....it gave me some more clarity as I did all the things I needed to do to help heal myself. My process isn’t over, but it’s part of the way through the journey. I also took a few other things away from this convo...No one knows what you’re going through until they live it. No one understands how you feel unless they’ve been in it. You can’t truly express yourself to someone else so why try take that trying and invest it in you. Give it to yourself to understand yourself and the things your dealing with to help fix them or to better yourself.
And after all this....
I patted myself on the back
And told myself you’ve passed one test A few things became clear
You’re healing yourself!!
Good job!
Xoxoxo
-Rachel
Comments