So this morning I woke up with the worst hangover. I’m not even gonna lie. I cried. I thought I was scared I lost my Rolex... but I was scared of my fears!! I cried again and again not even really knowing why I was crying. I felt like crap. My head was bursting. Not even a bath was able to help me. I cried in the tub. I cried when I laid back in bed. I had this overwhelming feeling of just wanting my mom. I feel that often but I don’t notice until later what I was really needing. But today I knew I wanted my mommy like a little girl wants her blankie! The more and more the day went on I got sadder and felt worse.
A few times I literally didn’t think I was gonna make it. Then I got super bad anxiety over my brothers birthday is the 27th, my Grandma’s is the 31st and I missed Grandpa’s last birthday alive. I regret it everyday that somehow I didn’t try to make it work. But I missed it and it was the last one here on earth. It hurts my heart so bad everyday. I feel like I let him down. And I let myself down. I don’t have that memory with him. I don’t have that smile in my “i was there memories.” Only pictures. I feel a weight on me that I might lose my Grandma heavily lately. And I haven’t said it out loud because I’m scared to! I’m scared this is the universe helping ease my blow that I’m not gonna have her here anymore. I’m not going to be able to go to the nursing home and talk madness with her. I’m not gonna have that hard time trying to get her to let me leave. Or feel bad when I do actually get to leave! I’m gonna have to go to the same place I go to see Grandpa.
I have been seeing signs of 9 & 6 a lot and that’s when Grandpa died and she will be 96! When I looked up what seeing them meant it talked about guardian angels with you trying to give you signs. Basically saying pay attention! Also she says herself often when I talk with her she’s gonna die soon. I told her one of the most recent times we spoke about this subject that she cannot die until I come home and see her. So hopefully she will hold up the bargain and know I was truly serious when I said it.
Slowly throughout all of today thanks to my lovely hangover—- my fears came rushing at Me like bad waves!! But then the seas calmed. And they were all gone! I let my fears free! I said them.
i literally wrote them down!!
I can’t lose her (Grandma) without that last memory like I had with Grandpa. It hurts too much. I don’t wanna lose her. I’m not ready. Or maybe I’m making this all up and it’s not really going to happen in the next few months and I just need to chill out. Either way. It was telling me this is something I have to deal with. A feeling and emotion I am hanging onto that I don’t want to anymore. It’s life it happens. People die. And it’s not your fault you weren’t there. You can’t blame yourself. It’s not like you know the date and time and you could have been there but you didn’t show up! You didn’t come!! You simply didn’t know and that’s okay. And that’s honestly how he wanted it. And it that happens with Grandma you can’t do anything about it either. She knew you would have wanted it that way. Just like the last time. You had your moment. But it wasn’t the moment she was gonna go. Sure felt like it. It’s okay. You have to be at peace with it. Don’t worry. Or ruin a day thinking about it. Let that fear go!! Let it fly away!!! Release yourself from that pain!! Acknowledge it! Own it! And let it go!! You deserve it!!
I literally don’t want to drink again for awhile. But at the end of this day... or what feels like it’s been all day I am thankful for this hangover. I literally needed it to unlock some of these inner fears I was having because it was weighing me down. I notice the last few days I was drained. I didn’t wanna do stuff for me. I really couldn’t get into any classes I’ve been doing. Nothing felt right. I was awkward I was missing home. It was the last day of one of my classes that I’ve loved so far and I was going to watch the replay and not the live because I didn’t think I could hangover focus on something that important.
And I did. I listened. Took some good notes. And then cried again. Until I noticed. I noticed! I just didn’t notice why! I was meant to feel this pain of a hangover to identify and let go of that pain I’m hanging onto!! And without this hangover I might not have had this breakthrough or this “ah ha” moment. It feels scary to say it out loud because you were taught you might jinx yourself. But in reality if you keep fighting those voices or the urges you are creating an even bigger problem. Crazy how our mind works. Also what we’ve been conditioned to believe. Verse the beliefs we create in our hearts and our souls. How far off track we get and we don’t realize till there’s nothing left of you till we notice.
Kinda like I didn’t notice I drank too much happily last night that I didn’t notice until this morning I was gonna have this HUGE hangover! But I’m thankful IT happened. Because I became more honest with myself today. I looked myself in the mirror today. I stood tall and authoritatively and said.....
I’m not you and I thank god for that every day!! Wanna know why?? Because I am.....
I am grateful
I am happy
I am loved
I am secure
Everything you aren’t!!!
I deserve this!
I fought hard!
You can make this choice too!
I can help you!!
You deserve it too!!
It’s so freeing
My soul burns with love!
It’s rewarding!
It’s so amazing it’s euphoric!
A whole new world!
New way of life!
Everyone grieves differently!
Don’t give up!!
Don’t give in!!
You can do it!!
I did it!
I’m living proof!!
You can dream again!
You can soar again!
You can release the shackles and run.
Be like Forest!!
Run!!
Run to your fears and fight them!!
Win!!
You can do anything you set your mind to!!
Why not?
Why not now!?
What do you have to lose?
You have everything to gain!!
It’s only up to you!
You have to do the work!! You have to do it everyday!!
Rain or shine.
Because when you stop...
You go backwards...
everything you just worked so hard on just unraveled. And then just like you broke again. Shattered! Confused! Raw.... after you go back to working on yourself and get yourself aligned it’s a beautiful thing. It’s growth. But it was a darkness to go through.... why why go back!! Keep investing in you!! Mind over matter! Don’t break that habit! Don’t break that bond. You owe that to yourself!!!
I am so thankful for this hangover!! Because I was able to have my new self look my old self in the mirror and get that powerful pep talk and healing!!
Thank you universe!!
Xoxoxo
-Rachel
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